7 Perfectly Sensible Reasons Why I Avoid Costco

I come from Piggly Wiggly country, so I know how devoted people can be to their local grocery chains. But Costco is the Rubik’s Cube of the grocery world whose puzzling hype I just can’t solve. Costco apologists — I’m about to hurt your feelings, so I suggest you look away now. But if you’re just as perplexed by the spell the giant retailer has people under as me, buckle up.

Costco and its illustrious membership have always confused me. I’ve seen wallet slots tucked behind insurance cards dedicated to the said membership card. Costco’s marketing team boasts its delicious samples and massive portions but stays pretty mum on the membership business.

Do you need a card to get in? Can you buy anything without one? Is it another subscription you have to keep up with?

Are all of these easily Googleable questions? Absolutely. But should I have to hunt down a full Q&A to give me the details on navigating a grocery store? Absolutely not.  

Related: 12 Products That Are Actually More Expensive to Buy at Costco

Unfortunately, there are times I can’t escape a nearby Costco parking lot when running errands, and so I get trapped in what feels like a game of chicken with families and their Costco carts that I never consented to. Sure, grocery store parking lots are notoriously busy (people have to eat, you know?). But why do people exit Costco at such a frantic speed that you’d think they were on Supermarket Sweep?

Having never actually crossed Costco’s threshold, I can’t attest to how busy its hallowed halls are. However, no matter what time of the day I have to pass through its dreaded parking lot, I’m struck by what looks like a scene from Godzilla or Them! People sprint in and out of the store with a reckless abandon I haven’t felt since I won a copy of the board game Clue in a raffle when I was eight.

I’m not sure what could possibly fuel that kind of feverish frenzy for groceries, but I’m positive it’s more energy than I could possibly entertain at 10 o’clock in the morning.

Costco’s whole gimmick is that you can save money by buying your items in bulk. That’s an incredible option for larger families to take advantage of. But me? A family of one? I can barely make it through an entire packet of lunch meat before it goes bad, let alone three pounds of mayonnaise.

Speaking of bulk, there’s simply nothing in my pantry, fridge, bathroom, or beyond that I’ve looked at and said, “Huh, really could do with more of this.” Quite the opposite actually. And in my experience — bulk isn’t better. Items with smaller quantities sit on the shelf for less time, and so are typically fresher.

So, whether it sits for weeks on the grocery shelves or my shelves, it’s going to go stale long before I reach the bottom.

Related: 25 Best Costco Prepared Foods That Make Mealtime Easy

Pray tell, where am I supposed to put a 2-quart bottle of ranch in my fridge, or did I not get the memo about the pocket dimension people are storing their Costco surplus in? Yes, I know that Costco doesn’t only sell massive items. But, if the whole reason I’m going to Costco and not any other grocery store closer by is because of the bulk items, then we’ve can’t ignore the 7-pound vats of honey you can buy.

So, for the sake of this fantasy, let’s say I did buy a bunch of bulk from ye olde Costco. Then where in my true millennial shoebox of a home am I supposed to put it all?

Lastly, I’ll leave you with the one that sends shivers down my spine.

I worked in a grocery store for several years. I saw kids do unimaginable things to produce and plop the contaminated items right back into the pile. One rotten apple really does spoil the whole bunch, I guess. A woman even carted her pet monkey around the open food like health hazards didn’t exist.

All that to say is, I know the horrors going on behind all of those infamous free samples, and there’s no fresh fruit tasty enough to turn my gut into a science experiment.

If you and Costco have a wonderful love affair, don’t let me and my soapbox get in your way. For all of my Costco critiques, I do cherish the mysticism I see in people’s eyes when they talk about their Costco finds. You’ve got to find the little joys in life whenever possible, and if that’s Costco, I’m happy for you.