My kids are grown and flown. And when they became adults, I had to rethink all my parenting strategies because it isn't up to me to help them steer their lives anymore. Now it's up to them, and I just have to trust (hope?) that the 18 years of parenting I put into them went to good use.
Even when they were small, my goal with my kids was to raise adults. And now that they're adults, I need to let them make their own decisions (and mistakes). After all, my hope is that I can maintain a really great relationship with my now-adult kids.
I've always chosen my words carefully with my kids — from the time they were small until now. That's not to say that I'm filtered — just that I want them to know I respect their boundaries and their adult personhood. Which is why there are some things that, even if I think them (and trust me, sometimes I think them), I wouldn't say to my adult kids.
Why Aren't You Married?
We want our kids to be happy when they're adults. And in our society, we still see being partnered or married as a key indicator of grown up success. But the world is a different place these days, and being married isn't the pinnacle of adult achievement it once was. People have all sorts of ideas and feelings about partnerships and what that might look like to them, and frankly, it's none of our business whether a) they're partnered or b) they want to find a partner.
When we bug them about finding a partner, we send a message to them that we don't see them as a whole individual if they aren't coupled up. And as someone who has gone long stretches without a partner (by choice), I know I resented the heck out of this question — it felt like pressure to do something that I didn't feel ready to do in order to make other people happy.
So nope — I'd never ask. If they want to come to me and talk to me about their couplehood or lack thereof, then I will happily listen. But what I really want to know is this: "Are you happy?" That's truly what matters, whether they're in a committed relationship or not.
When Am I Having Grandchildren?
At least one of my kids is committed to a child-free-by-choice lifestyle, and if that's what they want, then that's what I want for them. Not that it matters what I want, since the decision whether to have kids is totally their own, and I completely respect that.
I was lucky that my parents never pressured me to give them grandchildren because I waited until I was in my 30s before I even considered having kids (I know that's not unusual today, but back when I was doing it, it was a little unusual). But I had tons of friends back in the late 80s and early 90s who got all kinds of pressure to produce grandchildren and "carry on the family name."
What your adult kids choose to do about having children is their choice and theirs alone, and pressuring them to produce for you oversteps all kinds of boundaries. I've made a point to tell my kids that having babies is 100% their choice and that I will never feel one way or another about that choice because I respect their autonomy as adults.
I Would Never Live Like This
If anyone has ever had a judgmental parent (or grandparent or aunt or uncle) look around their life with abject horror or disdain, then you know how damaging it can be when you feel like someone who is super important in your life is judging your lifestyle choices.
Are my kids going to make choices that I wouldn't? Absolutely. But I raised them to have their own minds and do things their own way, and it is never my place to judge those choices.
Need to Know
One of the most impactful conversations that adult me ever had with my dad was shortly before he died. I'm the family "free spirit," and I've made some choices. I said something to my dad about how I knew he didn't always approve of my grown-up choices, and he told me this: "I always raised you girls to have your own minds, and I tell people that I'm proud that you do."
You're Doing It Wrong
They might be doing it "wrong" for you, but that doesn't mean it's wrong for them.
Oh, It Wasn't That Bad
If they're still hurt enough about something to bring it up when they're an adult, chances are that even if it didn't seem that bad to you, it did (and still does) to them. I know that we never want to see our own fallibility as parents, but none of us are/were perfect parents — God knows I wasn't. And I made some mistakes. If my kids were hurt by those mistakes and continue to be, then I owe it to them to witness how they feel and then genuinely apologize for hurting them.
Related: 11 Things I Swore Before I Had Kids That I'd Never Do That I Totally Did
This Isn't How We Raised You
If you ever want your adult kids to feel super judged and hurt by that judgment, bust this one out. Although I wouldn't, if I was you...
I Did It This Way, So You Should, Too
Seriously. What if their way is better for them? Even if it isn't, they're adults. It's not up to you to tell them how to do something unless they ask, and even if they ask, tread lightly.
I Don't Like Your Spouse/Partner/Significant Other
This is the third rail of parenting adults. It almost never has a good outcome. For the record, I love my kids' life partners, but even if I didn't, I would never tell them that. What matters is that they like their partner. What I think doesn't matter at all.
I Wouldn't Do That if I Was You
I've been allowing my kids to make their own mistakes since they were small. I mean, I redirected them if they were headed towards an outlet with a fork or some other threat to their safety, but making mistakes is how we learn. And just because something may not work for me doesn't mean it won't work for them.
My Advice Is...
The only advice I ever give is when I'm asked. I never offer it unsolicited. And if I am asked, I actually check in and ask what type of and how much advice they actually want. Because I don't want to make my kids think I don't trust them and their judgment, nor do I want them to doubt their own.
Related: 7 Ways to Let Go of Your Adult Children (& Grow Closer Because of It)
You Don't Know What You're Talking About
I raised my kids to have minds of their own. I wanted them to be free thinkers, and I'm super proud that as adults, they are. And part of that free thinking is having different opinions from me. So even when I don't agree with their opinions, I'm thrilled that they're thoughtful enough to form their own, so I'd never tell them they have no idea what they're talking about.
Respect Is a Two-Way Street
I have a ton of respect for my adult kids. They're thoughtful, caring, intelligent adults. And I trust that I raised them to make the best choices and decisions for themselves, no matter what I think about it.
And that's why I'm so conscious about the types of ways I communicate with them. Because I want to be part of their lives, I want them to feel like they're real actual grownups who don't need their mom in the same way, and I want to let them know that I love them unconditionally, no matter what.
